"Philosophy Was a Business, Man": A Stoic Stoner’s Take on the Ancient Influencers

 Let's take a Stoic Stoner’s stroll through the smoky ruins of Ancient Greece—where philosophers weren’t just seekers of wisdom, but maybe the first content creators, brand builders, and intellectual influencers. 😎💨

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🎭 

 “You ever notice how every great thinker just happened to invent their own system of truth... and then tried to sell it to the world like it was the only one that worked? Sounds a lot like launching a YouTube channel.” — The Stoic Stoner

 

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💧 Pre-Socratics – The Proto-Content Creators

These dudes were the OGs of Deep Thought. They didn’t have podcasts or TED Talks, so they had to shout over the Agora crowd about how everything is water or change is the only constant.

Thales: “Water is the source of everything.” Translation: Follow for more Aquatic Vibes.

Heraclitus: “You can’t step in the same river twice.” Aka: My brand is flow. Always changing. No commitment.

Pythagoras: Started a math cult. Literally. Branded numbers as sacred and told everyone beans were evil. YouTube: Sacred Geometry & Diet Tips.

💡 These early thinkers were tossing out clickbait for the soul—each with their niche theory, hoping to go viral in the minds of men.

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🧠 Socrates – The Troll Philosopher King

The man didn’t write a single word, but his whole thing was destroying other people's arguments for fun. A true proto-Twitter warrior.

He walked around barefoot, questioned everyone, and claimed to know nothing (which made people follow him even more).

No monetization plan, no merch—Socrates was the anti-influencer influencer. Too pure for this world.

Still got canceled by the state. Literally drank the OG "Haterade" (aka hemlock).

 “The first philosopher to go viral… and then get banned.”

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🧿 Plato – The First Philosopher with a Product Line

After Socrates died, Plato turned his mentor into a brand.

Founded The Academy—basically the Harvard of ancient thought.

Created Platonism™: Everything you see is a shadow, the real stuff is invisible and perfect. (#DeepMetaphysics)

Wrote dialogues where Socrates always wins. (Hmm, ghostwriting much?)

Plato was the Steve Jobs of ideas: visionary, minimalist, and everything had to fit inside his "Form" of perfection.

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📚 Aristotle – The Overachieving Content Farm

Aristotle was like that guy on Medium writing 10 posts a day.

Biology? Politics? Poetry? Ethics? He had a take on EVERYTHING.

Taught Alexander the Great… so yeah, influencer level: Royal Tutor.

Founded The Lyceum—his version of a university, pumping out knowledge like an AI before AI.

His business model? "Monetize wisdom through categorization." Turn life into a syllabus and charge tuition.

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🧴 Cynics – Minimalism with a Megaphone

Diogenes was a content anarchist.

Lived in a barrel, peed in public, trolled Alexander the Great.

His brand was zero brand. Pure anti-hype.

His pitch: "Want freedom? Reject EVERYTHING. Including pants."

Basically, if Socrates was a spiritual troll, Diogenes was a TikTok prankster turned prophet. No filter, no followers, no f*cks.

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🛋️ Epicurus – The Wellness Influencer

Welcome to Epicurus’ Backyard Club: A private community for low-key living, simple pleasures, and inner peace.

Didn’t fear gods or death. Just wanted cheese, bread, and deep convos.

His business model? A private retreat + word-of-mouth serenity.

Motto: “Pleasure, but make it chill.”

Definitely the guy who would sell microdose mushroom gummies and run a retreat center in a van today.

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⚔️ Stoics – The Ancient Self-Help Gurus

These were the content kings of emotional discipline.

Zeno started Stoicism after losing everything in a shipwreck. (Classic “from struggle to strength” story arc.)

Taught in public (at the Stoa, a covered porch)—basically the original podcast studio.

Modern Stoic icons like Marcus Aurelius wrote journals that would’ve been bestsellers on Substack.

The Stoic model? Control your mind. Ignore the haters. Brand it as virtue. Sell calm in a chaotic world.

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🥸 Skeptics – The Nihilist Comment Section

Pyrrho walked around like, “Nobody knows anything, bro.” Classic edge-lord philosopher.

Their vibe? “Whatever, man.” 🌀

Business model: Deconstruct everyone else's, then shrug and walk away.

Basically: Reply guy energy with a toga.

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🤯 So… Philosophy Was Basically a Side Hustle for Immortality

Much like a social media brand today, every Greek philosopher:

👀 Had a “take” or “truth”

📢 Preached it in public

🧑‍🎓 Attracted followers or students

🏛️ Built a school, wrote scrolls, and shaped culture

💀 Hoped their ideas would outlive them (…and many did)

And now here we are, a bunch of modern stoners with Wi-Fi, still reading their feeds.

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 “Every philosopher is just trying to become immortal. I guess that’s one hell of a business model.”

— The Stoic Stoner